Do you ever just feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders? Of course you do. Everyone does at one point or another. We all have those days.
Today is mine. I woke up from a very weird, stressful dream. I don’t remember what happened exactly, but even while I was dreaming, that ache in my chest was prominent. The anxiety shot through me like Katnis Everdeen’s arrow through that apple.
The whole day I felt lost and out of place. My emotions jumping from happy to sad in milliseconds. The smallest things would make me tear up, but no tears would escape from my eyes. The minute I felt like I was going to break, my brain would shut down my emotions and I would feel numb. It is exhausting.
These last couple of weeks have been very emotionally trying. I have gone through a lot in a short amount of time. Things I don’t even want to share. I have been plastering on this mask everyday, but deep down my heart was aching.
Today has been one of the harder days. There have been a lot of those recently, but today felt different than the others. It felt like I was dreaming all day. It’s a weird feeling and I don’t really like it. I feel like I am outside of my body, looking in.
Personally, I think I am just emotionally drained. I always talk about self care and putting my mental health first. The last few weeks however, I have been boxing up all my emotions. I just didn’t have the energy to deal with them and today, they all came flooding through at once and I am not sure how to deal with each one.
When I was little I remember almost drowning. My mom was talking to a lady next to the pool, I was holding onto the sides of the pool. I couldn’t swim well yet, but as my parents will tell you: “She is very stubborn and independent.” So I let go. I remember being under water, looking up. My eyes burning from the chlorine. I remember panicking, waiting for my mom to notice. I wasn’t under water that long. It must have been only seconds, but it felt like a life time. The lady in her red swimsuit, talking to my mom looked over and saw me. Without a second thought she jumped in and got me out.
Today I am underwater, looking up and trying to swim to the surface.
I have never been ashamed to talk about my mental health and I am not about to start being ashamed now. I don’t want to only show you the one side of depression and anxiety. I don’t only want to tell you what I have learned and coping mechanisms that have helped me. I want to show you that I do feel. That I don’t just preach. I actually do have these kinds of days. The kind of days where sleep can’t fix the tired I am feeling.
We all have bad days. Sometimes bad weeks or months. And sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is a train heading right for us. But ultimately, it all goes away. You can’t feel this way forever.
Eventually you will be able to step to the side and let the train pass. Or maybe, you will get lucky and someone will jump in and pull you up to the surface so you could breather again. Maybe you will be the one to get yourself to the surface.